Discussing the Realities of the Internet With Teens

Teens often have serious misconceptions about themselves and the internet. That attitude is often accompanied by the belief that their stodgy parents just don't "get it", don't have sufficient trust in them (even though they are surely far more savvy and capable of protecting themselves than their parents) and / or just want to "control" them.

How does a parent deal with this?

To a large extent, what works when dealing with other issues works in talking about the internet. So, I'm not going to be exhaustive, and I may be repeating things you have already heard. What I am trying to do is highlight the things I think are the most pertinent here.

• Start by making sure that these assumptions are not true! This may sound silly, but in fact, there is often more than a touch of truth to these feelings. Sometimes parents try too hard to control their children especially regarding internet usage. That one is hard to spot in yourself, so you need to do an honest self-assessment, and, maybe get an outsider's perspective. And, all too often, parents really are less savvy about the issues, especially from the technical angle, than their kids. This site is one resource to help change that. And, there are indeed many parents who really don't "get it". If you don't change that, you'll never get through to your teenagers - or children of any age.

• Look at things through their eyes To be able to "get it" and to be able to communicate effectively, you need to understand what your child is seeing. That does not necessarily mean agreeing with your child. It does mean understanding what your child sees, and being able to respond.  It does mean really listening to your child - not just the words, but the subtext.  And, it means acknowledging and responding to his concerns.  For instance, if you tell your child "There is nothing valuable with IM" you've lost your chance with your IM user. If you understand that he thinks that it's a great way to keep in touch with his friends, and that most of his friends will think less of him if uses the phone and / or email, you have a chance of getting through. Something that acknowledges his issue while bringing a counter may make a better starting point.  for example "No one likes to be the class outcast, so I get what you are saying. Judging people on such a basis seems a bit shallow. Is that what your friends are really like? And do you really want to be friends with people like that?" It will hopefully challenge your child's assumptions about the matter without just negating his concerns, and gives him some food for thought. Of course, you still need to explain the dangers of IM, from your point of view, but again, by working with your child's framework, he'll be able to understand that the risk simply is not worth the reward. At least, he will be able to understand that you see it as a matter of risk vs benefit for reasons that are not totally unreasonable to him, rather than just a dismissal of something important to him, even if he isn't totally convinced.

• Be honest and open about the issues. Vague murmurings and impassioned broadsides about the dangers of the internet, or a particular service, feature or behavior are not likely to convince anyone, least of all a skeptical teen-ager. Only concrete explanations have a chance to get through.  Parents understandably want to shield their children and maintain their innocence.  They may also feel that discussing certain topics are a lack of Tznius.  But, in this case, not discussing things may lead to a far greater breach of innocence or tznius, as your child downplays or simply ignores your concerns.  Worse, your child could be put at extremely serious risk. 

• Be ready to back your assertions   Whether it's studies, articles by experts (whose expertise your child can respect), what the FBI has to say, or anecdotes, be ready to illustrate and back up what you are getting at. There are some important things to watch out for with anecdotes. Remember that "the plural of anecdotes is not data" and most teems know it, even if they cannot articulate it. Also, use anecdotes that resonate with your child, or he can relate to on some level, or you won't get anywhere.  And, make sure that the stories are true - and that you can either point to where the story was reported, or how you heard about it.  (Please don't pass on anonymous stories about the friend of a friend, because you don't want to model problem behaviors.)  Also, in many cases, using non-jewish, secular sources can be helpful, because your child certainly cannot accuse them of being "too frum."  On the contrary, these are the folks who advocate for the internet.  The idea here is that someone who has a reputation to protect and / or an interest in one direction is to be believed when saying something that is not especially in his favor and certainly something that is not in his favor.

• Don't be accusatory, and don't belittle.  Your chances of your child really listening to anything you have to say if you do that are almost non-existent.  At best the child is going to be defensive and looking to pick apart anything you have to say.  At worst, you will either have a knock-down, drag-out fight that is going to do anyone any good or you will wind up giving a lecture to someone who will be refusing to process anything but the insults, real and perceived.